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Photos and Articles by Matt Lurrie

The Staff Assistant is a unique creature.  Found only within a one mile radius of a small town in western New Jersey (rarely are they indigenous to the area), the Staff Assistant leads a rather peculiar existence.  

The Staff Assistant wakes up at around 8:00 AM, in order to gather food from the local hotspot at 8:10.  The average Staff Assistant needs 10-12 hours of sleep a night, but usually receives 4-6.  But luckily, two days of the week are reserved for recuperation.  What do these apparent sloth-like creatures need energy for?

Many have aquatic ability, and protect younger, potential Staff Assistants from drowning.  Because scientists have not yet determined a name for this subspecies, we will from now on refer to them as "Nyne".

They also make sure that the content of the water is safe for Nyne of all ages.

Although the Staff Assistant flourishes in hot weather, not everyone can have camel-like drinking habits.  Therefore, the Staff Assistant replenishes the water supply.

Ever since the Staff Assistant first learned how to use the wheel, red wagons have become an invaluable tool in the transport of their necessities.

...and each other. 

Through evolution (intelligent design has yet to come up with a theory as to how the Staff Assistant came to be), the Staff Assistant has created a complicated system of organization, by which letters are sorted.

Then, using their opposable thumbs, they distribute the meticulously sorted letters to the herds of Nyne that they were designated for.

The Staff Assistant is a crafty species.  They have been known to be able to make anything, from a graffiti wall to a ping pong table.

Another attribute of the Staff Assistant is its unique ability to help injured Nyne.  Photographs of this are not available.

A weekly ritual of the Staff Assistant is the colaition of The Sundial.  650 copies of the multiple page newsletter are sorted, counted, and delivered on a weekly basis.  Loud music, indigenous of their homes, can be heard coming from the Staff Lounge each Friday as the mayhem that is collating goes on.

The Staff Assistant forages for food wherever possible.  A popular watering hole frequented by the Staff Assistant is Quikcheck.  They quickly become saddened when food is taken away from them.

At night, the Staff Assistants perform their tribal dances, varying their interpretations.  Those new to the life of the Staff Assistant are taught the dance.

The Staff Assistant scrounges across the campus for lost items.  Sometimes, she will display the lost items at the appropriate time.

The Staff Assistant can be very forgetful.  Keys are often lost, and the means to get into their abodes are quite odd.

Certain Staff Assistants are suckers for requests, and are often found relieving the tensions of others.

At times, they are at each other's throats.  The job can be overwhelming.

But somehow, they find their way back to each other's arms.

This camp would not function without the hard work and dedication of Staff Assistants.  Often times, they are the butt of jokes, but in the end, the jobs performed are invaluable.  I am proud to call myself a Staff Assistant.